flat beverage
by mock turtle
Summary: LAST CHAPTER UP IF NO ONE WANTS A SEQUEL. DO READ AND REVIEW PLEASE OR ELSE THIS STAYS AS IS. Gimli romance, no slash, two girls are dropped on head. big mary-sue flame. once again READ AND REVIEW!
1. potato chips

Disclaimer: no, I did not write the Lotr however talented I might be (just kidding). My friend is helping me write this. Anyway, I only own Ariel and Trisana so you can't sue my butt off. This is artistic license. 

Flat beverage

It was predictable, so very predictable that something out of the unpredictable would happen. And so it befell on February 15 that this phenomenon happened. The ides of February we shall call it. 

Two girls were suddenly dropped from the sky onto Middle-earth. Of course they did not realize that they were there because I put them there so they were rather confused and befuddled by the whole incident. When a bunch of really tall men with pointy ears came an seized them they were even more puzzled though not really angered by this. You see these tall blond men were rather attractive.

I am skipping ahead of myself. These girls, we shall call them girls Ariel and Flounder. No, my friend doesn't like Flounder so we will make this lovely child be named Trisana.

Anyway, Ariel and Trisana had been dropped onto Middle-earth and were now utterly confused maybe because they had been dropped rather cruelly on their heads (but that is besides the point). Guys with pointy ears seized them instantly, abruptly and rather cruelly like I have mentioned before. They did not mind this though because frankly, these guys were so very VERY hot.

They were brought to a place the men referred to as Rivendell and were greeted by a man by the name of Elrond.

"Oh, I get it," cried Ariel suddenly, "We're in a fanfic."

"Oh really!" cried Trisana, "I have always wanted to be in one!"

"Really truly!" Ariel replied, "but we all no this is not possible."

"Oh no, say it is not so Ariel," her friend looked at her in dismay.

"You and I both know that gnomes and dwarves and elves and hobbits and leprechauns and such don't really exist!"

"But gnomes aren't in this story," said Trisana, "nor dwarves or lep. . ."

"That is besides the point," Ariel stated, "therefore, I conclude that this is a dream, nothing more and nothing less." 

"But how do you truly know," sobbed Trisana. 

"Well, for instance would I do this if I was really alive and awake." Ariel went over to the *elf* who referred to himself as Elrond. She gazed at him in a mysterious way as if he was suppose to anticipate something she had on her mind. He did not comprehend her thought till to late.

To all the elves horror she began to tug at Elrond's pointy ears. "I insist that these come off!" she cried, "this is my dream and if I want elves without pointy ears I shall have it!"

When the ear did not come off after a few harsh tugs, Ariel began to get concerned. Her expressions went through many phases. First, she considered the matter of Elrond's ear not coming off. Then she considered why it did not come off. Finally she drew the conclusion that Elrond's ear would not come off unless she tugged very hard. She considered this all rather slowly (very slowly indeed because she did have a rather slow mind). Finally she drew the conclusion that this was not a dream. She fainted. This was very odd because she had never fainted in her life.

Ariel slowly came to her senses. It was beyond any doubt that this was not Kansas. Things slowly began to click once again in her mind (and very slowly indeed again I might add). She did not take into consideration the whole room. Indeed she noticed the plane white wall and the plane whiter curtains and the plain white floors. She was sitting in a plain white bed wondering where she was though knowing perfectly well.

Elrond spoke up then and she was rather startled for she had not noticed him. He sat on a plain white chair beside her. His attire was not plain white but of many greens and browns. He seemed off-center in this plain, drab, colorless room.

"Where am I and who are you and why am I here and why…" she began but could not finish.

"Please tell me who you are first. Too much information would not be wise for you right now bearing in mind that you probably know too much already," said Elrond.

Ariel was angered that moment. She did not like being told off as if she were a child. Her cheeks flushed red but before she could reply a sudden and sharp pang went through her head. She put her hand up to her head and felt a large welt. The whole world began spinning and spinning as the welt on her head began to throb.

"Wholly Moley," she cried, "how the hel* did I get this!"

Elrond pointed to a large black case on the plain white night stand. It stood out rather oddly as well being black and small and made of plastic. 

"May I ask what that is?" said Elrond as he looked at her surprised face. The case was small and had a little handle on top of it so as to carry. It was much like Ariel's clarinet case and low and behold, it was Ariel's clarinet case.

"How very queer," she said not looking at Elrond, "behold, the clarinet case. In such a case is held my clarinet."

Elrond looked questioningly at her. "This was the object that was dropped on your head when you came here. It fell from nowhere."

"How very odd indeed she muttered not knowing why out of all of her possessions to drop on her head it had to be her clarinet case. A sudden thought crossed her mind. "Where is Trisana. My friend Trisana who came with me! If I lost her, oh think of that or if she lost me! This cannot do!"

"Your friend is in another room at present. She has not awaken yet but I will let you know the moment she does."

Ariel glanced at Elrond. Suddenly she noticed the bandage that hung around his left ear. "So very strange this is. Why am I here?" she asked to no one in particular, 'and what has truly become of my friend?'

please don't grill me, I'm too young. Just to let you know it was fun writing it and rather funny to me but I can understand how you can think differently. Tell me if I should continue. It may not make sense at all for I don't truly know where I am going. And if you are wondering, yes I have read the first book and am about 40 pages from the end of the second. Please review review review for I really need a firm idea of if I should stick with a more serious story or continue with my little comedy. 


	2. ode to the clarinet

Well you are the spelling whiz lady Blueberry. Gosh, Blueberry, too bad I didn't come up with that first. Keep reading my Lady, a drum set will be coming down on you shortly so there (stick out tongue). 

Thank you so much all my other reviewers. I had almost no hope in anyone ever, ever reading my story (except Blueberry) so it really means a lot to me to know that you at least had a peek at this. Keep reading. You may not find this chapter as good, be honest please. Major writer's cramp.

It was a cold and windy night. Ariel had already eaten her breakfast, second breakfast, elevenesis, luncheon, after noon tea, supper and dinner. She was now feeling rather full and content with herself.

"Well now what must I do with myself," she pondered seeing that she was no longer hungry or at least not that hungry any more. She was known to be a bottomless pit at times. Trisana had not woken up and Ariel wondered if she really was all right. From her sources, she was able to conclude that her friend had suffered a minor head injury when a snare drum was dropped on her head along with two drumsticks.

"I wonder why her symbols did not fall on her instead of her snare drum?" asked Ariel to herself, "she always seemed to like them better in the first place." Ariel started to imagine what it would have been like to see her friend's symbols crash down onto her friend's head. Then she realized this was a crude thought to think about. Even despite her love to here symbols dropping from the sky. She did not really fancy the thought of it landing on her friends head no matter how hard it may have been or was.

She went to her room to brood some more and do nothing (which she was quite good at). She had stopped asking why she was where she was after a time. It only hurt her poor little head. She walked into her plain little room of white and lay down upon her drab little bed for the forth time that day. She would mainly be in bed when she was not cramming her face with food. Her sedentary life seemed like nothing compared to this one. She could finally fantasize about absolutely nothing as oppose to nothing in particular. After about five minutes or so, she tired of this activity.

"Too strenuous. Too much to concentrate on. Nothing indeed. Yes, indeed for my taste," she murmured to herself making no sense to anyone or anything. To sleep would have been even more of an effort. You may notice sometimes or almost all the time (not to be rude) that Ariel was/is never *there* and always in her own pitiful state of well… nothingness. 

But enough with her thoughts. While Ariel was in her delirious state of no mind she did not heed the little black case on the little white nightstand. This was, of course, until she tripped over it while pacing back and forth with no train of thought.

"Wholly Guacamole!" she cried out in distraught and suddenly in despair when noticing the object she tripped over.

She picked it up and when she did, it felt hot and heavy as though made of lead.

"Dumb A** clarinet!" she muttered and mumbled and began to ramble on to herself. Ariel was one of those fine people who would constantly run into walls and then cursed at them. Queer yes and maybe even totally insane when she would claim the wall had jumped in her way. Therefore, she was quite accustomed to tripping over objects (or stuff in general) that had just appeared in her path.  
Suddenly she felt drawn to her clarinet that lay in her clarinet case. Even stranger when she actually considered to practice her music. Her hands slid down the case and back up, stroking the exterior while her brain when numb. Her hands slid down the case and back up in an almost passionate affectation. To love such a loathsome piece of wood! How she would long to play such a thing. To feel her lips touch that abhorrent reed tasting foul and unpleasant. There truly was not way to describe the taste of a new reed when put in ones mouth; only that it is not to one's liking. She looked at the diminutive medal clasps on their little medal hinges yearning to give way. They would give if she asked, if she wanted them to. She did.

And as soon as this slow reasoning alluded to her mind, the clasps broke free. Something that had forced the hinges closed had given up and succumbed. Now lay the clarinet in its case, unhindered and untouched since the fall upon Middle-earth (or more precisely, Ariel's skull). It was black with the sign 'bundy' in golden letter wreathed about the barrel and bell.

Trembling ever so slightly, her knobby hands now pieced together the clarinet. She put her mouth on the clarinet and tongued the reed. A strong but stagnant sound issued from the instrument. All of the sudden she jumped into a song. Out flowed the melody and form that she had carefully aimed for when practicing in the past. It came naturally to her now, too naturally. The song went on—

'When I get older loosing my hair, many years from now, du da du da dumm…'

SQUIGGLE, puff! She squeaked loudly. Something had broken in this natural rhythm and she came back to her reality.

"What the hel*," she said after she came out of her trance. There, in the room stood someone. Her. But not her. It was a dwarf. 

"Wholly Guacamole!" 

Yes. I still don't know where I am going. I think I have a general idea. If no one reviews I'm not gonna write any. Well, I probably will because blueberry will make me but that's beside the point. Please review, review, and review some more. By the way, that song was by the Beatles' "When I'm sixty-four" and yes I can play it on clarinet.


	3. baseball, red herrings, and poetry

Just to warn all ya' guys, I do break out into song a lot in this next chapter. No I don't own these songs. They are written by Tolkien and Lewis Carroll. If you don't know who Lewis Carroll is than shame on you and da*m you to Hel*! If you don't know who Lewis Carroll is than you are a tragic figure indeed. I don't think you can be sentenced to death but you you should or at least you will get nowhere in life with out knowing that name! Sorry, I'm just rather sensitive about this subject. Well to begin…

Ariel had been running around like a chicken with its head cut off for quite a while; even after Elrond had entered the room to announce that Trisana had awoken. He was confused by Ariel's mannerism and taken aback by the fact that she was skipping around the room like a crazed orc, if this was what an orc looked like when not sober.

"Don't look at me," she choked back tears, "I'm hideous!"

"I have just come to report that your friend is awake and in fine condition," said Elrond. He was about to ask about what had happened when he was abruptly cut off.

"I must get to her! I must warn her! There are evils in these instruments and they do not rest!" Ariel ran out of the room before Elrond could ask her what had happened.

"Must warn Trisana," she gasped and ran as if the weight of the world rested upon her shoulders. Drums sounded in the distance.

"They are coming!"

When she got to Trisana's room she was too late. However, instead of an elf sitting in the stool by the snare drum, there sat an elf. It was Trisana. She looked out of place in the plain room. No longer women but not quite an elf. Her hair was black but curly and extremely fluffy. Imagine an elf or at least try to with black, curly, fluffy, mismanaged hair. No I didn't think you could. (Blueberry, no I am not, I repeat NOT making fun of your lovely hair, I love your hair, your hair is the highlight of my life, don't get the wrong idea)

"That's no da*n fair!" cried Ariel as she strode into the room, looking at Trisana in envy, loathing and disappointment, "why do you get to be the elf!"

Her anger was only beginning and was starting to wax. The fine edge of insanity and temporary insanity (if there was such an edge) was tilting steadily and uneasily. Either way, either one would have another step closer to a completely new level of the mortal insanity. Ariel was beyond anger and beyond help at the moment.

She ran over to the wall by the window and began her 'usual routine'. She started beating her head against the way while she rehearsed a poem she had memorized. She liked to call this poem 'The Road of the Abnormal, Insane, Inept People'.

__

The road goes ever (THUD) _on and on, down from the _(THUD) _door where it begun. I will follow if I can _(THUD) _until…_

Trisana was at a lose. If anyone should be angered, it was she. At least Ariel had known what was happening. If anyone should be banging their head against the wall, it was Trisana. For a second, Trisana actually thought about joining Ariel in her tirade. After considering this for half a second, she decided against the impulse. Trisana was a bit more hasty than Ariel was or would ever be. Thus making Trisana the wiser one who could think on her feet in times of need. Ariel needed her at that moment so the only way to calm her down was to sing. And sing she did in a slightly off-key voice with little melody. 

_Beautiful soup, so rich and green waiting in a hot tureen,_

For who such dainties can one sup,

Soup of the Evening, Beautiful soup!

When this did not cheer Ariel up, she began another song which she had learned from her friend, who was exceptional at memorizes stuff she did not need to memorize and would never use unless to impress someone. Ariel, if you can not tell, is terrific at knowing stuff that is of little importance to anyone such at juggling, rehearsing poetry, and being able to breath. Trisana began her second poem in her off-key voice that sounded, to be frank, like a nail scratching on a chalkboard. Does that sound not make you shiver down your spine? Anyway, Trisana's new ditty went something like this:

_Twas brilig and the slithy toves, did gyre and gimble in the wabe_

All mimsmy were the borogroves and the momraths outgrabe

Beware the jabberwack my son the jaws that bite the claws that catch,

Beware the jabbob bird hath slun the femonous bandersnatch.

He took his vopal sword in hand long time the maxmone foe he sough

so rested he by the tom-tom tree and stood awhile in thought

and uffish thought he stood the jabberwock, with eye of flame

came woffling through the trungey woods and burbled as it came

one two one two, and through and though his vopal blade when snicker snack

he left it dead with its head he went gollumping back

(No I probably did not spell half those words right because they weren't words to began with so don't get on my case about that, this was all strictly from memory too. Also, the words that don't look spelled write weren't words to began with so either way, unless you memorized the jabberwock, don't pick on my spelling)

Trisana's off-key voice penetrated through Ariel. Ariel could not resist. Slowly, with some resistance she drew herself back to her version of reality. This was her weak point for she had once called this poem 'the road out of insanity'. She began to sway back and for as she mouthed the words:

_And hath thou slain the jabberwock?_

Come to my arms my beamish boy,

Oh Farious day, calloh callah,

He churkled in his joy.

*meeting with elrond*

"So how do you suppose you are going to get back to your time period," asked Elrond as the girls looked up at him with a strange expression that seemed to say 'how the hel* should I know'. He was not used to talking with inexperienced, unmotivated, sedentary, and downright 'not the brightest crayon in the box' girls who were barely above the legal drinking age. Yes crude as it was, it was for the most part true, especially on Ariel's part.

"Well all we know it that we were sent her by some unknown force and we have a task to do here," said Trisana looking as if she knew what she was talking about and almost pulling it off. 

"And what task may I ask is that of which you speak?" inquired Elrond suspiciously.

"Well, how should I know," said Trisana, finally giving up her act of being smarter than she seemed, "all I know is we must have come here for a reason. Who ever dropped us down here will bring us back in the end."

Elrond realized he was not giving Trisana enough credit. She seemed the brighter of the two by far. Ariel was the one who had proved to be the dull-witted, unkept, and lazy (not to be meant in a rude manner). 

"So what do you propose we do my Ladies," he asked, mainly to Trisana. He had noticed Ariel had not been feeling well since she had left Trisana's room. Whether it was because of beating her head on the wall or well… he did not want to know really. She had been drifting off every once in a while chanting to herself. The words she chanted did not make much sense at all. Every once in a great while she would stand up and shout "I sent a message to the fish, I told them this is what I wish…' then she would sit down and look bluntly and rather stupidly at her feet.

"Well what I think we should do is go to the primary source. Our instruments. They are bound to lead us somewhere," said Trisana.

"No!" cried Ariel jumping up suddenly, "that is the first place that anyone would look! Can't you see, it's a misleading clue. A read herring."

"Well than what the hel* are we suppose to do," said Trisana getting agitated by Ariel's constant and rather pointless interruptions.

"Well, I think we should recreate the place we were last before we left our world and landed here," said Ariel.

"Well not a bad idea but I still don't get why we can't check the primary source of which all these strange occurrences have occurred."

"No. Who ever sent us here wanted us to look at that hearing loss, destructive and pathetic excuse for a wind instrument. Why, I'd burn it for fire wood if I could but I think I could get even more fire wood if I sold it and…" Ariel dragged on and on.

"I think that is a wise idea, even if it was from Ariel," said Elrond, "perhaps then we can learn what had gone amiss."

"Well we were playing baseball at the time, see," Ariel stated, "but it is worth a shot."

"Baseball," said Elrond, "I don't believe I have ever heard of such a thing." 

"Um, well we will need nine players for one team and another nine players for the other," she stated, "Do you know where we could find people to play?"

Elrond was about to ask another question but before he could do so he was cut off. An elf had run into the room and reported something to Elrond. Elrond excused himself and went off to see for himself the news of which the elf had reported.

"I know what it is," said Trisana suddenly, "we're at the Rivendell. The place where the council of Elrond took place. This is where the fellowship of the rings was formed!" 

"My, you are a sift one," Ariel stated (she had seen the movie about five times and all the while was drooling over Legolas and Frodo).

"How do you know that? The council didn't take place till October 24 or so," Trisana was able to memorize information in books just as easily as Ariel was able to memorize poems.

"Ya well," she suddenly came into a trance, "I believe, do to the author's lack of research and laziness, she screwed up and had to put us through a time change to have us meet the Fellowship in October when in our world it was really the ides of February." Ariel had come out of her trance and began to rehearse 'The Raven' by Edgar Allen Poe.

"Don't you see what this mean then?" cried Trisana in blithe and utter happiness, "we were sent to help the fellowship!"

"What the, hel* I'm not going on no dumb mission to save some stupid ring! Hel* no. I'm gonna sit my bottom right here and not move! Do you hear me. I'm not going on any dumb as* mission to throw the stupid ring down the stupid hell hole, what is it, Mount Strider?"

"No stupid, it's mount doom and Strider is Aragorn."

"How corny. I'm not gonna go on a stupid mission like this if that's the best he's got for his names. Plus, who names their kid Aragorn or Strider for that matter."

"Oh," said Trisana, "I'm sure you would perfer something like 'Flat beverage' or Potato Chips for your mountain range."

"If I named it… come to think of it, I would," said Ariel.

"Oh your beyond help," said Trisana come on, "perhaps we can get Legolas to bat while you catch. You'll be able to see his fine as* from that angle anyways."

"Sounds like a deal," said Ariel brimming with happiness, "When do we began?"

Ok, so you have to tell me how this is and if you think it's the stupidest thing you ever read in your life. Come on, I can take criticism. I'm not a baby. In fact I'm not criticized enough so please REVIEW REVIEW REIVEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW, well I could go on like this or you could just review! Please once again REVIEW or I swear I won't write any more and that is a promise that I will keep. 


	4. love at first sight and tweedle brother'...

And the meeting was held shortly after the waking of Frodo. There was a large gathering and bla bla bla. You all know what happens. So anyway, Boromir's standing there talking about a bunch of crap about how he's got to find a sword that was broken and stuff. Ariel and Trisana were hiding in the bushes right next to Sam, who did not see them because he's a stupid little fat hobbit. 

Yes, Ariel never liked Sam much and found him kind of strange. She did not like offend people but… no wait, she did. She found him rather…homosexual. Trisana, on the other hand, who definitely did not like making fun of people was also amazed at the lack of intelligence possessed in Sam. She had read the books as well and found him a bit bisexual, especially in the part with him holding Frodo while he slept. (Of course there is nothing wrong with being this way so I am not trying to offend anyone) Dispite her feeble attempts to tell Ariel that Sam represented companionship, she found herself consumed with that thought the more she read. Well, we are getting off subject. 

So Ariel and Trisana waited there until Sam jumped up and came running over and said something to the effect of "Frodo's not leaving without me!" Which was soon translated into "I'm gay and I'm not letting Frodo go to that scary mountain all alone!" But that was only in the sick mind of Ariel of course.

Trisana stood up and Ariel followed much to her chagrin. (Yes I just like that word) She felt embarrassed suddenly with all these eyes staring at her in a thought she could not fathom. How **lugubrious **she thought because these eyes looked really thin and stretched. She didn't really know what it meant but she just liked say that word.

"So you're going to leave without us?" said Trisana while Ariel began to stare at Legolas.

"Well…" stammered Elrond in shock for he had not known of them till now, "a women is not fit on such a journey, especially one that is in need of medication."

Trisana took offence to this comment. She knew of course that this assault was not entirely directed upon her. Before she could respond Ariel broke up in several fractured lines of poetry and/or famous lines from history.

"…no taxation without equal representation…" she began, "…give me your tired your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breath free…Tweedledee and Tweedledum agreed to have a battle for Tweedledee had stolen Tweedledum's nice new rattle…how lugubrious!"

Now the whole company had found her totally insane but not Legolas for some strange reason beyond explanation.

"I still do not think it is a wise decision to send either of you with the fellowship," stated Elrond yet again directing this upon Trisana. Trisana tried her best to work with him.

"Well, Ariel does make a good point," she stammered trying her best not to look like she was trying, "there is no assumption with out equal representation. In other words, I think we should be allowed to go. We were sent here for a reason, were we not?"

"True as that may be, I still will not feel confident in letting you go," began Elrond, "I feel that you may serve as only a distraction." (knowing full well that this would not be so)

"But…" she was about to say more when Legolas stood up.

"I believe that what she speaks is the truth. I do not think these girls are spies either. We would know if they were to be, by any means, working in any way for the Dark Lord. They came here for a reason and that is clear either to warn us or to assist us. And further more…" Legolas was abruptly cut off for his mouth stopped working when he laid eyes upon Ariel. Her heart skipped a beat. He strode over to her and looked into her eyes, which really didn't have any true color. Blue eyes gazed into colorless eyes and they suddenly met in an embrace. 

"Oh Ariel, oh Ariel," cried Legolas suddenly as he hugged her face close to his chest, "where have you been all my life? I will not leave without you. I would travel to the ends of the earth just to hear you breath! I will not leave you!" With that he looked again into her colorless eyes and at her masculine and rather ugly features. He leaned down and kissed her upon the forehead. His kiss fell upon her in a strange manner, such a sensation beyond actually words. Her knees seemed to give while the kiss traveled down unto cheek and then caressed her lips. His lips were sweet and his breath was minty-fresh. He knees buckled and she fell into his arms. For a split second she felt she was in paradise. Then suddenly came a voice….

*******************************************

Yep, I know short chapter. If you review I'll make it longer.

Oh, Blueberry, don't worry everything will be all right. Don't worry, You get Legolas (or Elrond, I haven't desided yet) NO just kidding, Leggy boy is all yours'. REVIEW please my lovely little review people. This chapter was definatly not as long and possibly not as good as all my other chapters. I really should get back to writing them in math class but lately I've actually had to pay attention. If you review I'll write more and it'll be better and longer and funnier if this is what you call funny. Well I'll stop wasting your time if you only review!!! Oh by the way Lugubrious means mournful 


	5. cream cheese

Ok, I am so happy! I am beyond happy, I am ecstatic, I am just so happy that I could dance but I won't because I was unfortunately blessed with having two left feet! Well, sorry if I'm scaring anyone but I got a review, thank you so so SO much! I feel so loved! Gosh, I am a little too happy, no I haven't been doing anything drug related but I'm sure if I could fly over the cuckoo's nest, I would. Gosh I haven't read that book I'm gonna need to! Ok I'll stop trying to act like a psycho-maniac person and get on with the story!

"Ewwwww, disgusting!" cried Trisana suddenly from nowhere. Legolas fell from Ariel's arms as she opened her eyes. The minty-fresh breath had disappeared from her mouth.

"Da*mit," she said, "I mean gosh darn it!" (For those people who don't like hearing swears), "only a dream!" Ariel looked down to see what she was holding. The sight filled her with horror when she realized WHAT she had mistaken Legolas for. She was repulsed beyond repulsiveness.

"Ewwwww!!!!!!!!!!" she cried as tears rolled down her cheeks. She was partly crying from being so stunned and the rest of her tears were the result of the despicable sight that lay in her arms, bracing itself against her grasp.

"Oh my good God and Cream cheese," she cried out in dismay, "**GIMLI**!"

She let go of the dwarf and pushed harshly away. Her arms that clung to his fat little waste had seemed to freeze and she found it hard to move. Pure disgust was on her face as well as surprise and nausea (of course). Gimli didn't look much better. Rather pale actually, and he wore the same expression as Ariel on his solemn face. 

No words were spoken then and everything moved as though in another dimension, mechanically and unwavering. Ariel went to the bathroom and began a heimlich maneuver on herself while she expectorate. After about five minutes of this, Ariel could be heard banging her head against the wall once again. This time, she was rehearsing 'The Raven' by Edgar Allen Poe.

"Come on Ariel, Gimli isn't that bad," Trisana called in through the locked door. Gimli was running around the room as though he'd run into a knife many times. He wore an expression now between a hurt puppy and a snail (if snails indeed had expressions to express). But I will not linger on what a snail, or my picture of what a snail looks like if it expressed its emotions. Most likely, it would look kind of like the blank stares that Ariel continually gave to any individual she met or to no one in particular (most likely it was the expression she wore ninety-nine percent of the time, we will discuss the one percent in due course). Well anyway, Gimli had the expression of a snail written clearly upon his face. This was rather amazing because Gimli always looked like a bum that had been on the streets far too long. For him to have any expression at all was altogether remarkable.

"Come on, please Ariel, come out!" cried Trisana again.

"Never more!" she cried from the bathroom. 

****************

Well, we do not need to go into detail of what happened after that mainly because I don't feel like writing about the rejected Gimli and the distressed Ariel and the disgruntled Trisana. It is a rather long a boring story that has no significant point to this little parody upon the mary-sue people of the world. All I will relate to you is that Ariel finally came out of the bathroom in a pitiful state and could not attend the meeting that Gimli had come to tell them about. It was the counsel of Elrond by the way if you did not guess (big surprise). So, Trisana went alone and managed to get into the fellowship. Don't ask how since in reality, Elrond would have rather have drowned himself in a fiery pool of hot molten lava. Oh, and Gimli was forever scarred for life. 

*****************

On the day of the departure of the company….

The whole company looked solemn and worn as though they had been driven hard with some unknown force that ceased to let go. The weight of the world rested on their shoulders and the burden of ring was also heavy upon Frodo. Of course, this was not the case with Ariel who was now obsessing about the great weight of her pack which rested heavily upon HER shoulders, never mind the fact that she had to climb up the stupid mount doom to cast the bothersome piece of crap in.

"Well, I would be alright, I guess, but that is if I see Legolas," she thought to herself remembering the dream she had. Her thoughts were abruptly cut off when she remembered the waking.

"Holy guacamole, Sam!" she said as she eyed him leaning over his pack mumbling to himself, "stop worrying about the gosh darn tuttin' rope, gosh darn it! You're driving me mad! Your never gonna use it anyway." She had been angered when Sam had been continuing his talk on how he needed a rope and that he might need it and so on and so forth and that was bull…I mean baloney.

"Oh please, what are the chances anyway," she thought partly to herself, "if worst comes to worst we'll have Legolas take off his shirt and use it as a rope. If it needs to be a very long rope than we can do with Frodo taking off his shirt or just move right down to pants and…." Once again she moved down into the depths of her strange unknown mind which no one dared to question or bother with for fear of understanding her thoughts.

"Ariel," called Trisana who was at the head of the line. She had been conversing with Aragorn and Frodo about their quest and of the dangers they did and would face.

"Yep!" Ariel called back, "What's wrong, has anyone dyed anyone's hair pink yet?"

"No," said Trisana, "that's only in fanfiction stupid! I just was saying that maybe Sam should take a rope." Trisana said this only because she had read the book and knew that a rope would at one point come in handy. Then again, she couldn't help picturing (and enjoy picturing) Sam falling off that cliff. 

'Too bad he gets a rope in Lorien,' she thought to herself realizing her dreams of ever watching Sam die a terrible death only for her disgusting mind's enjoyment were crushed, 'darn.' Was all she replied.

Ariel was about to say something, most likely obnoxious and cruel on behalf of Sam but she was cut off again by a horn.

"Dude, you idiot!" she screamed at Boromir while she held her ears, "what the helk did you do that for! Are you a moron?"

_"Maybe," replied Boromir, "But always I have let my horn cry at setting forth, and though thereafter we may walk in the shadows I will not go forth as a thief in the night!"_

"Oh, thief my bottom!" Ariel said, " you do that once more and there'll be hell to pay, make no mistake!"

Ok, so this last scene probably isn't as funny as the making out with Gimli scene. I promise to be funnier and original next chapter and do stuff that I haven't heard yet but I believe I'm giving way to the style of the vast majority of other writers in this great world of fanfiction. Must hold strong and be original! Hey, I've already made my own grammar rules in this story so I don't see the problem in thinking up the unknown! Who knows what the sober or the crazy people can think up when put to the test? Again I apologize for this short chapter and will try to make the next one a bit longer. Review please and thanks again and a thousand times more my faithful reviewers! 


	6. cheeseburger

"Can we stop," said Ariel from the back of the line, "I really need to go, badly!"

"This is the third time this morning," said Aragorn, "you should have gone before you left in the first place."

"Well, I didn't need to go then, I need to go NOW," she wailed.

"Fine, fine, as you wish my lady," said Aragorn finally giving up.

"Hey Trisana," said Ariel when they had stopped, "do you have um, you know, 'magic sticks'."

"Oh yes," said Trisana sarcastically, "I keep them around when ever I think I'm going to drop on my head in some unknown world. I have them right here in my pocket along with the kitchen sink and my grandfather's todum pole."

"Cool," said Ariel, "you must have one mighty large pocket! So can I have one?"

Trisana rolled her eyes as she shifted the weight in her pack in order to take it off. She sat down next to Frodo and Merry without uttering a word to her friend. Ariel did the same but instead sat on Frodo's lap.

"If you don't give me one, I'll sing or do something wonderful like that."

"No." 

"Pretty please! My fate is in your hands! I'm desperate!"

"No."

"Oh come on."

"No."

"Why not?"

"No."

"Do you think Sam would have one?"

"No. Ewww, gross no!"

"So why…"

"My lady," Frodo intervened, "perhaps Gandalf can help." He was desperate to get Ariel off his lap since he was being crushed and had now ceased to breathe. 'Not a good sign,' he thought to himself while he turned purple.

"Gandalf?" said the girls in harmony and began to snort (literally).

"Um, Frodo, my dear little man," said Trisana between choked sobs, "do you know by any chance what a 'magic stick' is?"

"Well, I wager it is much like Gandalf's staff," he said eyeing them strangely, "why? What devilry do you speak of if it is not such?"

"It's a tampon Frodo," said Ariel flatly. 

"A tampon?" Frodo had never heard of such a word.

"Oh you've never heard of a tampon?" said Ariel mysteriously. She began to giggle.

"No," said Frodo, almost ashamed that he did not know what it was. He felt that it was his duty to know since it seemed common knowledge between these two girls. "Why what do you speak of then."

The girls couldn't help laugh, leaving Frodo with a curious and unknowing look upon his stretched features.

Five hours later, Ariel was still shouting 'Tampon' at the top of her lungs while the company traveled. 

The company was now somewhere where Ariel did not know and most likely did not care for she was know behind Legolas. But just in case you really want to know they were _making for Dimrill Dale… If they climb the pass that is called Redhorn Gate, under the far side of Caradhras, they would come to the Dimrill Stair into the deep vale of the Dwarves. There lies the Mirrowmere, and there the River Silverlode rises in its icy springs. _Of course, that's what Tolkien wrote so we're at a safe bet to say that we're somewhere in middle earth, with Legolas, mind you. Ariel was content with this knowledge and this knowledge only.

It was morning and the company had risen and Sam was to make the fire while he took first watch. The noise was unbearable. Everything was still of course except for the _occasional swish of the pony's tail and the movements of Sam's feet. _This was everything except the loud and boisterous snoring of the two girls which could have wakened the dead.

"Dude," said Ariel as she twisted out of her sleep, most likely woken up from her incessant snoring.

'This is certainly a bad,' thought Sam, 'that Ariel is still a bother to me both in and out of her sleep.'

"Dude," she repeted, "what the helk is that cloud thingy over there? Dude (which was her word of the day now) Wholly shit-tac-e-mushrooms!"

"What?" Sam asked not really wanting to know.

"What is that cloud thing," she asked mainly to herself because she did not like talking to Sam because she did not like Sam, but that's besides the point.

"_Lie flat and still_," Strider commanded.

"Oh my…Good God which way do I steer

to get that cheeseburger and paradise

I like mine with lettuce and tomato, hinze fifty-seven 

with french fies and potatoes!" Ariel suddenly broke into the cheeseburger song that she thought Jimmy Buffet or Tom Petty wrote. Of course, the author forgets who wrote it, which is why you need to review and tell me who wrote it by the way.

"Quiet, my lady," Aragorn said firmly as the cloud came closer and Ariel realized that they were birds, crows actually but the word birds was enough to set her off.

"Oh golly," she said remembering Alfred Hitchcock 'The Birds'. Now she was utterly terrified and grabbed Frodo's arm, who was still asleep and clung to it. He woke up then and there with a start because Ariel had pinched him and went right back to sleep when something from the sky hit him on his head.

Ok, well I realize I'm loosing my originality (major) which is why you nice people have to review and tell me if I'm being original, unoriginal or are you just completely apathetic to my writing. I find, personally, that I am starting to write like everyone else which isn't good but maybe I wrote like everyone else in the beginning. Well, I'll never know if you people don't review so please, there is such thing called a mouse, you use the left button to click the little sign that says 'post review'. So, am I loosing you guys and is this turning out to be a disappointment? Do I need to be any stupider with Ariel (which is possible, if you don't believe so) and…well, just review and tell me what you think pretty please. All I get is 'it's good' or 'hee hee' which I do love but…well I don't know. I'm just going on about nothing so I'll stop here. Once again reivew and review some more. I love knowing that people have read my story!


	7. up yours' Amery Dias

Thank you very much! I had a feeling that it was Buffett who wrote it, but I wasn't positive. I like that song, oh well, so I'm guessing that this isn't just a bunch of crap and that it is indeed to some extend funny and that I should continue? Once again, I'll stop wasting your time. Hope you enjoy, I've tried to make this chapter a bit different and I'll try to get back to my original style but still R & R please!

"Oh my word," said Ariel upon looking at Frodo after the birds had passed. Everyone else had the same reaction parallel to Ariel's. They looked in awe at the object that had come down upon them, well, it was more of the person who had fallen from no where.

"Who is she," said the fellowship in unison. Trisana and Ariel had not the slightest idea either.

"What difference does it make," piped Legolas from outside the little gathering around person, women to be precise, "she is here and she is among us." Ariel noticed something when he looked upon this mysterious human, admiration for her fine features perhaps. Yes, certainly, the girl was beautiful. She was slim and fit in her looks with big puffy lips and hair of gold. Ariel was envious towards the girl from then on, hostile in her manner and ways. It was only very mean and cruel and/or cruel and mean (which ever way you wish to look at the issue) that this GIRL was suddenly thrown into the mix of things all for ones enjoyment. Not to say in the least about part concerning competition for Legolas. Ariel was also confused at why she came in the first place for this was to be about her, meaning Ariel. This brings us to the conclusion that this was more the foundation that this contradicted the whole premise of the story. In other words, to put it in simple terms, why on earth would a parody against Mary-sues put in an actual Mary-sue? Well, to be frank, blunt, and rather hasty, I just felt like it.

"Where on earth am I," said the girl when she had awakened. She sat up and looked around. Her eyes were blue, deep, singing and shining pools into which one could be lost forever or feel lost under her penetrating gaze; typical, all too typical and expected. Planned.

"My lady," said Aragorn as he bowed low to the ground, "I am Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor. This is Gimli, son and Gloin, and here is Boromir of Minas Tirith. This would be Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood Forest," Legolas bowed low to the ground when introduced. Ariel was annoyed by this gesture and tried to picture what he would look like if he tripped over his lovely blond hair in the process, thus resulting in decapitation of his little slender neck… Ariel drifted into her own little thought for the third time in nearly fifty seconds. When the introductions were done, or so thought, the girl stared at the men for another few, what seemed like eternity, mostly stopping to admire Legolas' nicely chiseled face.

Trisana gave a polite cough for they had not been recognized by the company. This did not work for the eight men were drawn to this girl in a sickening and repulsive way, staring at questionably but still in the end, excepting her. Sam was busy picking his nose, no, not really but Ariel would have felt better if he was instead of staring opened mouthed and starry eyed.

When the cough did not work, Trisana coughed again. This failed as well. So, Trisana put in her best effort. She began to hack. Soon, or later I should say, Ariel caught on and began to hack as well. After about five minutes of their hacking which sounded…well we can leave that part out, they still did not get recognition for even existing. This was rather odd because, you would think if someone was hacking like a dyeing giant squid if squid made sounds when they croaked, that someone would be bound to notice. Both girls walked away dejectedly. 

They both sat on the same log that they had been sitting on earlier and listened into the predictable conversation between the fellowship of the nine men who couldn't calm their hormones down and the girl who was as usual, pitifully vulnerable and horrendously unknowledgeable (much like Ariel and Trisana were but refused to admit). 

"Dude, you dudes have funny names," said Trisana under her breath trying to arguer the future of the conversation.

"Whoa, you guys have strange names," said the girl aloud.

"Where in Kansas am I," murmured Trisana unto Ariel.

"Where in hel*s name am I?" she asked and the fellowship much to obliged to tell her answered her question five minutes later for they had all interrupted each other constantly in the process.

"Wholly guacomoly, wait a tick," exclaimed Ariel in a low voice.

"Wholly sh*t(ac-e-mushrooms), wait one gosh darn second," she began.

"Hobbits, leprechauns, and weird ugly fat men!" Ariel said. 

"Hobbits, elves, and wizards!"

All three girls fainted at the same exact moment. The company stared speechlessly for a few seconds before contemplating exactly what had happened. Then things began to move once more. Ariel and Trisana got up and said something to the effect of the conversation not being as foretelling as they imagined. 

They took some _lembras _out of their pack and munched it like popcorn while they watched Boromir and Legolas argue about who was to carry the women. A fistfight was already on the way and the rash words were just starting to amuse the two friends. Although, telling someone they are making an ass of themselves was the most that they spoke and this led to disappointment of the two girls. But the fistfight was more than expected, and more enjoyable than the movie.

Boromir took a swing at Legolas who ducked and rammed his head again Boromir's chest, knocking the wind out of him and catching him off his guard. Boromir recovered just in time before Legolas took a swing at him. He ducked and Legolas hit the firm rock behind his head. There was no give to the rock thus resulting in only in a large amount of pain for the elf. Boromir struck the elf hard on the back sending the elf to his knees. 

Before another hard pelt could come aiming directly for the head, Legolas was on his feet once more. He was faster than Boromir by far but never the less; Boromir still had his skill and presence of mind. Legolas lifted his foot and kicked his competitor between the legs, which was far more painful than hitting a rock full force with ones knuckles. Boromir retaliated. Legolas came up to finish him off (whimpers heard in back round) when Boromir sprang up and unsheathed his sword. 

Legolas did the same and know they were in a duel. Boromir was the first to lunge in Legolas' direction and Legolas moved swiftly and took this chance to strike. Boromir was upon his back in a matter of seconds but the battle was still not won. He ducked out of the way of the sword aimed for his chest and rolled onto his stomach enabling him to get once more to his ready. They prepared themselves before diving in once more to the combat. Legolas struck a blow that slashed Boromir's arm, and the open wound spurted his blood upon his tunic. Boromir returned the favor catching Legolas' on his cheek and left a small gash. Before more damage could be done, the two were abruptly cut off when Aragorn intervened. 

"Stop this nonsense at once!" he cried shrilly. They stopped immediately; Boromir was latched onto Legolas' throat while Legolas had his dagger in his left hand raised and poised in a decent on to Boromir's open skin. 

"Come now!" he said, his tone calming a little, "we will decide this matter in due course as sensible men."

They agreed and lowered their weapons, too ashamed to look at each other. Cheering was heard in the background once more. Ariel and Trisana had been placing bets with Gimli when the fighting had begun and now he was paying up.

******************

"Ariel," cried Trisana while they were preparing to go. Bill was packed and ready at the time with the girl that had fallen from nowhere on his back along with some of their equipment.

"Yes?" Ariel walked over to where Trisana was standing and gazed in her direction, through the pricks and brambles. Half camouflaged in such undergrowth, lay non-other than 'the clarinet'. Well technically it was only the clarinet case but in which was supposedly the actually clarinet. However, it could have just as easily passed as an overly large flute case or a very small trumpet case that Ariel was seriously hoping but since she was devoid of such possessions, the chances were slim. That did not stop her from imagining it to be an oboe or something of that sort. After awhile of thinking about this, she decided to give up hope. No, it was not low self-esteem that she gave in, it was the fact that all evidence proved it to be the clarinet (this might I add is a self-improvement of common sense).

"Oh my! It is haunting me! The cursed thing is hunting me! It tried to kill me!" she wailed and began to hallucinate, "I swear if I play one more piece by Gustav Holst or Dana Wilson I will die and go to they ninth level of Inferno!"

"There are only seven levels," Trisana corrected her in a scholarly manner, "you see, everyone knows that hell is conical shaped. Now, Cassious, Brutus, and Judas occupy the lowest level because the worst sin you can ever do is betrayal of your fellow man."

"Oh really, how interesting," said Ariel, forgetting the fact that she was suppose to be in her own little world hallucinating and wailing at the top of her lungs. "But Dante, the author of The Divine Comedy said that there were nine levels because the poet Vergil was his tour guide and he…" she suddenly came back to the trauma of what was happening. "Hey, I'm not asking for a lesson in Theology! I said my clarinet case is trying to…"

"Put you out of your misery," said Gimli, coming up from behind them. Such a statement could only be ignored for there was no reply or comeback that Ariel's slow mind could think of. 

"We are leaving now, so on with you, hurry now," he said gruffly and stocked off to join the rest.

Ariel suddenly began to laugh. To tell you the truth, it was more of a cackle. And yes, I am sure you were thinking exactly what I was thinking; she did indeed sounded like a cackling drunken sailor if sailors do cackle when they are drunk. She was laughing for about five minute and was starting to change to a royal shade of aquamarine. The fellowship were slightly amused at first but concerned and well, more frightened than anything. Ok, so they were not concerned the least unless you count for their own safety. 

When she didn't stop and the laughter became and more piercing they started to get very afraid.

'She is mad,' they thought. Each one of them began to plan and make a list of fifty ways to make her silent. This mainly ended, all ended to be frank, in either falling on pointy objects from a lofty height or simply by the usual suffocation, drowning, or the off-with-her-head trick, all seemed to do the job well. If worse came to worst, they would just make her smell Gimli's armpit or something horrendous like that. What a catastrophe it would be! (How very exciting!)

Trisana, however, was thinking that the pipe-weed was a bit stronger than she or Ariel realized.

"Oh, oh!" She choked out between her unfit state of hyperactive nausea, "oh, ya' misses! Ya' missed me! Ha! You think it's that easy? I'm unstoppable, indestructible, who taught you to throw? Or to aim in that case? You throw like a cross-dressing rhinoceros with a horn stuck too far up its rear!" She gloated and then gasped and then gloated again (but the number one rule is never to gloat. Again I give you dire warning to never gloat unless you are out of the wraith.) For, Ariel had spoken too soon, far too soon.

Trisana's cymbals came down on her head, clattering and clanging as they hit the hard skull. All was silent until the ringing of the last cymbal ceased.

"Oye," said Trisana as the looked up, "that must have hurt." They all agreed and went on with their business.

When they had finished their business they started to head out when came a cry from Trisana;

"You have forgotten Ariel!"

"No we have not my Lady," said Gandalf.

"Why is she lying here then?

'This mission could not go on with these women,' thought Gandalf. And this was desided in secret among the men and dwarf and elf that the mission could not continue with such impudent, tantalizing, and disturbing girls. It was then that he decided upon telling Trisana this news. The fellowship was in jeopardy but to rely on these young women to help the mission was absurd, impossible. Briefly, Gandalf attempted to remember why Elrond had let them join coming only to the conclusion that he must have had other obligations to fill and was too busy at that moment to deal with the fate of the world. He would not lead them into graver danger, with the threat that their whole mission could easily become more threatening. The real danger linked to these girls, they would be vulnerable with such targets. A woman could not endure half of what a man could and this concept had proved true from the beginning. He would have to relate such conclusion to Trisana who would take it less harshly than Ariel, who had proved utterly insane. Ere the day he walked, then and there would he have never guessed what Trisana's little unheard voice had replied. Of then afterwards, he would no longer contradict what issues lay in their little numbskulls.

"Trisana," he replied hesitantly, "I would think it wise indeed if you and your friend returned to Rivendell."

"What?" said Trisana not comprehending him, "I do not fully understand."

"You are not fit for this mission and neither is your friend Ariel, my advice is to turn back now."

"Where are you coming from?" questioned Trisana.

"Trisana, my lady, do not make me repeat myself for you understand you are only a disturbance to our mission, you aid us not."

"Dude, your just going to leave me here to rot? Gosh Gandalf, your no better than that cross-dressing rhinoceros!"

"I have warned you against such rash words my lady," replied Gandalf angered and with that he grew in size, daunting and intimidating. At first even Trisana was intimidated and but she quickly regained what whit she had and roared and bellowed in her squeaky, youthful voice;

"Your demeanor is not as horrendous as it may appear. 'Objects in mirrors are larger than they appear'. I am most certainly looking at the mirror image of an incompetent fool!" Gandalf was flamed by such a remark.

"I repeat once again to not underestimate my power, do heed a wizards wrath for it is much less daunting than your timely maneuvers."

"You Gandalf," she replied in a fearsome tone, "will be warned never to interfere with a women with PMS."

Gandalf was confused by this statement and made no reply. He shrank to his original size once more.

"Why do you say such things, thus you may likely know such consequence?"

"Because," she replied not looking directly at him, "I am your mother's wife's sister-in-law's cousin thrice removed best friend's old nemesis."

"My mother did not have a wife," he replied.

"They divorced before you were born," said Trisana sadly with concern overcoming her flushed face, "I am sorry that you had to hear that from me."

From then on the two became friends. The bond between them was stronger then ever imagined, since after all, they were family. The company enjoyed the reunion of the two lost relatives until they realized that Ariel would still be joining them. Of course this only dismayed Gimli for he was the unfortunate soul who would have to lug her sorry bottom up Carahas. Bill had not been able to carry both girls and the equipment, seeing as no one wanted to carry more than their fair share.

*******************

It was when they had camped that the girl had awoken from her beauty sleep to find herself in the arms of Boromir or Legolas. She didn't really know but the point still remained that she was in someone's arms. Of course, she most likely would have liked to be in Legolas' arms but that is not the point.

She gave a shriek that could have easily woken the dead, most likely betraying their vulnerable position. It was then that Legolas spoke;

"Here, here my Lady, no need to be afraid," he said soothingly, "you are safe with us for the most part."

"Where am I," she demanded.

"We are traveling to the mountain Carahas," said Boromir before Legolas could answer.

"May we ask your name," spoke Sam before more attention could be drawn to the man or dwarf.

"My name," she said distantly, "my name is Amery Dias."

(note, I did have the erge to name her Supefly or Nathaniel, just thought you may like to know that)

The company all shook their heads and remarked that they indeed, liked her name. They would all remember it, which Trisana found rather annoying since they continually call Ariel 'Ersela'. Of course, had the girl's name been 'up yours' they still would have liked it and treated her as goddess of Uranus or something along that line (pardon the pun).

"We will let you travel with us, lady Amery," Gandalf said. 

"Of course, if you don't, you may as well figure fifty exotic ways to hang yourself heroically since you'd probably die anyway if you didn't follow," Trisana piped in stating only the obvious. The men did not like this statement of course because their hormones were overtaking their brains. 

"I will travel with you," she said at length, "but I want you to be warned elf, not to mess with me, ok? Do we have an understanding?"

"Dude," Trisana thought when she would ponder over this later, "Mary-sues join the mission a little faster than expected, maybe this is just typical of Mary-sue writers."

*********************

Well, we all no what happens at Carahas so we need not linger on it, since I do not feel in the mood to write about it, we will how have a brief overview of it before we skip right to Moria since Moria will be much better than Carahas.

Ariel did not wake up till later, and found herself being carried by none other than Gimli. She screamed and rolled down half of Carahas before she was able to grab a hold of Legolas, which did not turn out too bad, except for that fact that he was carrying Amery because Amery was too weak to walk as she told everyone. Later on Trisana had made Amery walk while Legolas went to 'find the sun' (she found this line very corny) at which point Amery got bored and took out her Discman and began to sing (on key) to some pop song that Trisana absolutely despised. Therefor, she took out her cymbals and began to beat them together until Amery stopped. This wouldn't have been so bad had Ariel not been singing 'when you wish upon a star' at the top of her lungs. Also, Trisana's cymbals were also permanently dented because of the fall onto Ariel's thick head.

Later on, after Trisana had been walking with Legolas on the snow, this had angered Areil so then she dragged both of them down and made them walk like normal people. Well, that sums up Carahas at a glance. Nothing much else happened except when the snow fell upon them, Ariel began running around like a maniac because Gimli had tried to get her out of the way and grabbed her arm in doing so. She was now even more scarred for life then before.

Now, when running around in doing so, she began to sing another one of her many poems that she liked to call 'the road from the somewhat unintelligent to the complete unintelligent'. Emily Dickinson had written it but she purposely changed the words around to fit her needs.

'The brain is smaller than a snail,

For hold them gray to gray,

The one the other will include,

As sponges buckets do.'

Ok, well I hope that isn't that bad. Let me know what you think, sorry it took so long to write and I wish I could blame it on writers' block but no, I can't put on that pretence no matter how I try. Is it ok or should I stop before I get too big for my britches? Awe well, it was fun to write but took me an awful long time to do in the process. Thinking is always a bad idea for me if it is a comedy (or writing in general).


	8. hesitance towards loathing and loving

While Gandalf was trying his feeble attempts to open the gates of Moria, the rest of the fellowship was playing cards while Amery began to flirt was Legolas. She was shamefully flaunting her cleavage and batting her perfectly curled eyes incessantly. This was quite an annoyance to both the other females and the rest of the men did not quite know what to think of it. Sam was however, lulling his tongue out to the side ere the glance jealous of Frodo refrained him from drooling all over his elven garb.

Now, Trisana and Ariel could have wasted a lot less time by telling Gandalf the password, however, they were once again in a sour PMS mood (like always) and felt like dealing away this precious time by thinking of ways to get rid of the cleavage flashing girl without out being suspected. Also Ariel would have to remember the password so to use her mind was not something she felt like doing at that time, or any as I reconcile. 

It was around this precious moment of wasted time that Gimli called upon Ariel in a refined indignant manner. She went hesitantly with little ease to greet him in the most obnoxious behavior known to man, or dwarf for that matter. She was angered by the fact that she had left her card game in which she was winning. Aragorn could be heard declaring that he had won the go-fish match seeing as he was the only one completely clothed. Legolas was tunic-less much to every female's blithful delight and utter amazement. Gimli led her away though she was unwilling and much to her chagrin, from the half-naked men and elf. Boromir was declaring that he had been cheating, as Boromir was a sore looser. 

And Gimli led her on and he said in a commanding voice for her to follow. She did not heed his tone though for she was busy wondering if playdo was really bad to eat. 

He faced her now when they were out of sight of the lovely hunky utterly gorgeous studs that at that moment stood half-unclad. And now he looked into her eyes while she stared into his. The absence of color in his eyes made her cringe, as they seemed to be filled with longing and trust within her confined soul. Yes, he faced her now no longer with arrogance and loathing but with a new feeling embellished in his grotesque features.

He took another stride closer to her and now he stood only a few inches apart from her. The only air that passed was suppressed and stagnant, drawn and still. He studied her features for what seemed like eternity while she contemplated what the ingredients in green Jell-O were. Her thoughts abruptly ended when she came back to her senses. The dwarf was making her fidgety and coy. This enigma was troubling to her and her addlebrained mind. She alluded briefly to exactly why he had asked her to come with him in the first place. Then she began to wonder how potato chips were made and why not to pull the tag off of mattresses. She looked at Gimli as if he had three large heads while now switching the topic 'to how one wiggles their ears'. 

"You are distant as of late," he said solemnly, "prey tell, what troubles you so?" He looked into her eyes once more, which were far off, colorless and youthful. She was now trying to remember the conversion of Fahrenheit to Celsius.

"Tell me what concerns you for I am here to listen," he said soothingly when she had failed to heed him.

"What?" she asked only slightly paying attention since she had given up the conversion already. He smiled and took another half step towards her.

"Calm yourself, my Lady," he whispered for they were not very far a part now and a little too close for comfort as Ariel was concerned.

'He is sure a close talker,' she thought at that moment stating only the obvious although with her blunted senses, it was hard to know when she was thinking in reality or in her strange twisted other dimension, but that is not the point. However, before she could fully process this new feeling, indeed, even before this thought alluded to her mind, he bent over and kissed her sweetly on the lips. (This means it was probably rough and wet.) Before she could shriek for help, he enveloped her in his arms, kissing her firmly as so she could not utter any incoherent words. She was unable to try any maneuvers to loosen his grasp on her. Thus making kicking him in the groan or breaking his stubby little dwarf toes altogether impossible and to no avail though try as she might.

She had only to sit back and wait out the duration while his lips touched hers passionately. He slid down her cheek and up and down her neck while he pressed her body to him. His arms encircled her while he hugged her ever so much closer. His pulse rushed through her veins and she felt herself lift when his kiss subsided for a brief instant while he took a breath of the still air. His motions in rhythm with hers and the beating inside their hearts moved likewise in melody to one another. 

Yes, I know short chapter but I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. If no one and I mean no one reviews after this chapter I'm so NOT going to write more since was certainly a big turning point in the story and rather very disturbing disgusting and so entertaining! I sincerely will hold that promise too, so you guys better review. I found that Gimli should be allowed to fall in love with more than Legolas for once in his pathetic dwarf life. I don't know if this is a new idea or what but I haven't really seen it yet so why not have it address then? Please tell me what you think and any suggestions that you may have.


	9. the love triagle and feelings for the cl...

Well, due to my disease where I'm so dam* impatient, I put this chapter in only because I realized I had the 'Divine right of authors' therefor, I can do whatever I want and I did such in this next chapter. Now, bear in mind that had this been a serious and not so funny story (which I hope this is, as well as this next part) I would never have even thought twice about putting it in. Please don't take this literally only if I do so tell you to, ok? Well, I'll stop jabber jawing even though it is fun and amusing…

And the kiss was strong, stronger than the two dwarves expected. When they broke for a brief second, Ariel felt her energy drawn from her and she suddenly felt the urge to kiss him again rush to her slow unyielding mind. No! She would suddenly cry from the continuos of her soul for she felt the urge to vomit all the same. The truth was that she was still unsure of what was happening and despite her attempts to define the event, she still could not fathom it. Oh the zest, the ardor for such lips to now caress hers' was inexplicable for disgust and yet passion lay in the wake.

Gimli knew of such conflicting points of views from Ariel and with this in mind, he hugged her closer to him in attempt to stop the notion. No doubt, he was a lovely kisser despite the rough manner in which he seemed to possess, one would never have known. Well, the he may very well have been a descent kisser but it was not to Ariel's knowledge for she had never been kissed before in her life. Sure there was that event with the seal at the aquarium that one time and that other time that she had started making out with her clarinet, but that was all in the past.

In conclusion, she had found that Gimli's touch and his kiss were much more exhilarating than any sea mammal. She did find, however, the seal's kiss enjoyable mainly because she could then go around school claiming that a seal kissed her. Of course, that is much besides the point of view that I am desperately trying to relate. Well, no, it wasn't nice or decent that Ariel was comparing Gimli to a seal but then again, men were so easy to compare to animals. After all, their voracious eating habbits proved so to be true, especially on Gimli's behalf, and that is again besides the unknown point in which I am attempting to make. Also, Ariel did not know this but she ate much more like the fellowship than she refused to believe.

Gimli ran up and down her neck while she started rehearsing more poetry since he seemed faintly amused by that. It seemed that she could not escape anyhow so she might as well just give up. Despite, once again, being utterly disgusted and repulsed by Gimli's display of affection, she seemed to rather enjoy it far more than she would admit to herself. She had of late, not been admitting much of anything to herself so realization was occurring slower than normal, if it was ever occurring normal at all. Now she sang a song (slightly or really very off key to be candid (I realize that I have used the adj. frank truthful too much so I felt like changing that word)

"I want chicken, I want liver!

Meow mix meow mix meow please deliver,

I want chicken I want liver…." 

She naturally got bored of this by the eleventh time she sang it so then she moved on to yet another poem by Lewis Carroll:

The sun was shining on the sea,

Shining with all his might,

He did his very best to make the billows smooth and bright,

And this was very odd because it was the middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily because she thought the sun,

Had got no business to be there after the day was done,

"It's very rude of him," she said,

"To come and spoil the fun."

The sea was wet as wet,

The sky was dry as dry,

There were no clouds to see,

For no clouds were in the sky.

The walrus and the carpenter were walking close at hand,

They wept like anything to see such quantities of sand,

If this was only cleared away they said,

It would be grand!

And so on and so forth and so on, I will not make you read the whole thing even if I wanted to be that mean and cruel. My fingers only type fifty words a minute and I don't feel like wasting my time typing something everyone should have read at one point in their lives.

Her thoughts drifted else where as she lingered in her own realm, Gimli kissing her cheek while she hummed the merry melody. Her thoughts wandered suddenly to her clarinet. What had come over her that time? What ever it was or may be it had just the same influence or attraction that Gimli was having on her right now. Oh! How she longed to feel the it in her hands, the urge to feel the greased cork as she slowly assembled it, the distasteful read in her mouth. Oh, she yearned for it suddenly and this thought had come out of spite, out of the unknown. It came so quickly that she let out a laugh.

"What is it my Lady?" whispered Gimli as he kissed her eye and whispered into it.

"I cannot do this," she cried in dismay and began to weep like a swoon cat.

"Is there someone else? Who? What has happened so suddenly that news has not reached my ears?" he said looking at her with concern as he held her steady.

"Yes, there is something… someone else," she replied not daring to look at to gaze into his eyes. She knew she would only see disappointment. Her heart pounded suddenly as the impulse to run away came to her. She stood undecided on the decision that would settle the matter. She took a step back and Gimli's grasp feel away from her. She turned and began to walk away with great speed, not looking back to the broken hearted Gimli. He had just had the disappointment of his life. Why had he even bothered to open himself up? It was his mistake no doubt and his attempt had faltered.

Gimli walked out of his hiding place, a look of saddness was worn plainly across his face. He vagely wondered who had been her significant other now that he realized there was one. Suddenly he was attacked from the back. Taken by surprise, he fell forward. Whatever had checked him to the side caught him. Gimli swung around to see whom it was and he was greeted once again by Ariel ("Big surprise about who it was, huh?" say I sarcastically). A new light shone in her colorless eyes. 

"Come on, Gimmy deary!" she laughed lightheartedly, "let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!" And with that, the two dwarves ran to their hiding place and made out and yada yada yada, this that and the other thing for the next few chapters to come.

It was also a good thing that neither one had gone back to camp since Boromir had felt the power of the clarinet and was getting um… intimate with it at that moment. 

Aragorn had won the go-fish match and was now learning to play slap jack. Naturally, being the rather violent person and the big cheese of the group, he had resorted to using his dagger as his slapping hand. Things were starting to get bloody.

Sam had been kicked out of the go-fish match early in the game when he tried to take his pants off. Frodo, to everyone's surprise, was not enjoying Sam's show or the fact that he mooned everyone there in the process. He seemed to be anticipating more at the moment when Amery would be forced to remove her shirt but, to his disappointment, Aragorn refrained her. Well, perhaps it was not quite like this but this was how Trisana translated it. The good news was that all the men were running around half-naked (yes, unfortunately Sam too who desperately needed a bra). Things were going well and by the end of the day, Trisana was debating whether to teach them strip poker or to build card castles, it was a hard choose most defiantly. It was then that Legolas called out through the hubbub to her. Now, to make matters clear blunt and straight to the point, Trisana and Legolas ended up running into the woods where they found there spot already occupied by the two dwarves. At first, it was rather embarrassing and humiliating for Ariel and Gimli not to mention that Trisana was kind of repulsed. Before any explaining could be done, Legolas let go a laugh and dashed off still accompanied by Trisana. They also made out in secret for the next few chapters.

Now, back at came things were getting chaotic, not to mention that Gandalf still had not opened the door. Boromir had finished his obsene display of affection with Ariel's clarinet by which I mean he was making out with it as oppose to…well we may stop there, this is only PG-13. But when he realized that no matter how he loved the clarinet or at least the case, he would not have that love returned. He grew frustrated with that thought. That was until he eyed Amery who was listening to her Discman that also fell from the sky onto Ariel's head and dancing as obscenely as Boromir and the clarinet. Naturally one would think she was dancing to some slutty little band full of prostitutes that sound like dyeing cows or a snorkel embedded or absorbed into a very strong base. However, she was dancing to 'the sugar plum fairy' from 'The Nutcracker Sweet' yet again this knowledge being irrelevant. If she had any rhythm she would not have played to pretence off so nicely. 

He led her away from the camp to find both couples making out thus occupying the space they needed. But that did not stop Boromir. He walked on till they came to a clearing where neither dwarves nor elves nor the camp was in sight.

He turned to her, looking deeply into her ice blue eyes. Sweeping her off of her feet, he kissed her romantically while she struggled to get free. Amery then resorted to hitting him over the head with Trisana's cymbals but that was still to no avail. (Let me note or wonder why in the world Amery had Trisana's cymbals in her hand in the first place? I don't know but felt like putting it there) 

"Stop! Refrain yourself at once moron, you stupid flatulent excuse for a hippopotamus! (Sorry blueberry but I needed something that I found offensive) Please stop!" She cried out in dismay and shouted between kisses, "stop withhold yourself my petty man! I have already another that suits my needs more than you!"

"There is another that you have or you seek? How can this be?" he shouted to her through tears of despair. He suddenly felt mortified and out of place. And how very coincidental that the four hobbits had gone out for a stroll and walked into their meeting right at the turning point of their conversation. Stuff always seemed to happen like that for some odd reason to Boromir's horror and Amery's relief.

"Oh Sam!" she cried with tears of mirth.

Ok, I do really want reviews even if this chapter sucked. I found it amusing to write but then again I may be going mad! Tell me what you think of it so far. I know that some people said I should continue but that's only my dear friend Dancingqueen and Blueberry who don't count because they would never say that it was worse than loosing their lucky snorkel. Also those who did review, reviewed in, like, chapter five and stuff so they may not have the same thoughts now. R&R pretty please! Is it so funny or should I just give up trying? 


	10. mr. pockets

"And why is everyone making out," you ask my dear dancingqueen and I simply reply to mind yourself. Do not underestimate my writing power for I am an all powerful all seeing writer and am not blinded to my own parody against mary-sue though I admit half heatedly to enjoy them. Well that certainly makes no sense so to put it plainly with a really long run on sentence, I am impatient and my characters can do whatever they want whenever they want since I am the almighty author of them; I hold their strings while the marionettes dance to my command. So, in being a non-waiting type of person for many people have to wait in their lives, everyone is waiting and that drives me mad, so this being a parody and not making logical sense, I have rendered to extreme conditions in my part of being hasty and nonobservant. Overdone perhaps but I am aware of my major impatience and that is for the reader to decide. (hint hint, meaning to read and review major!)

The gates of Moria were opening as slowly as possibly as though a wait was on the other side that bared them from entering. The make-out sessions and the new findings of love were abruptly ended. Everyone rushed from the forest to the gate, Ariel slipping on stones into the lake in doing so.

They stood for a time and stared into the great hole, each anticipating the first steps forward into the unlit cave. Well, Ariel was not thinking this and was as usual, contemplating if there was a dry-cleaners around anywhere. Trisana was contemplating well, we don't know for Trisana's mind is far more confusing than Ariel's so she could just as easily be wondering if Legolas wouldn't mind if she picked her nose since Amery didn't seem to mind Sam doing so. It was at this moment of pitiful contemplation that the large lake monster that bared a striking resemblance to Gandalf, came from the murky water below. However, instead of grabbing Frodo, the ghastly creature gripped its slimy tentacles over Amery.

"Hold on Lady Amery!" cried the fellowship at once in unison. The men set to work at hacking the limbs of the great beast. Legolas drew his arrow and shot it into the great mouth and the creatures groaned and slapped its slimy arms upon the water causing quite a splash.

"Oh Sam!" cried Amery as she plummeted into the water and was then dragged out.

"Sam!" she cried in between screams of help, "take my rug! The rug made from my dear puddle Tofu left to me by my Great Aunt Angelica! Take it to remember me by!"

"But you cannot leave me!" cried the hapless hobbit in tears who was cowering in the shadows. But this love was not to be.

The creature roared and shoved the half conscious girl into its monstrous mouth, swallowed and Amery Dias was seen no more.

Some say she still lives in the foul creature awaiting the day her true love would come a rescue her. She could never move on, nor could Sam for the next few years, or months to be exact. No, no! let us be perfectly truthful to a completely horrifying extent, he was only in such state for a few minutes till Frodo went and talked to him for a long, long, long time and we will leave it at that.

"Well," said Ariel when they had entered Moria, the walls crashing down on either side of them.

"Too bad."

They all stood and stared at their feet from what they had just witnessed.

"That was a dousey."

They shook their heads solemnly agreeing.

"So!" Trisana broke the silence, "who wants coffee and green eggs?"

*********

"So what shall we do now?" said Ariel as she skipped gaily from one foot to another and then stumbling then stumbling some more until at length she figured out it is not a good idea for one is not to skip in the dark. 

"We are to go under the mountain to the other side of Moria," Gandalf replied to her.

"Oh, how terrifyingly interesting! Mr. Pockets will dearly love that!" she said only half consious of what was coming from her overly large and blunt mouth.

"Who is this Mr. Pockets that you speak of my lady?" said Boromir coming up from the end of the line for they had stopped to rest and have another bathroom break. Now it was Trisana's turn to ask the unsuspecting Sam if he had a tampon.

"Oh, just a friend my dear little man! Nothing more," she said seeing the look on Gimli's flushed face.

"Oh Trisana, do you not know of Mr. Pockets? He is a dear friend of mine?" Trisana shook her head no for she had not heard of Mr. Pockets until just now. Ariel automatically jumped into a poem;

"I wish to have you as a friend

To do what friends often do,

To site and talk,

To run and play,

To whisper secrets to."

But then she forgot the rest only because that was the only verse so she decided to jump into another poem;

"They told me you had been to her,

And seen me here before,

She gave me a good character,

But I said I could not swim,

They sent him word I had not gone

We know it to be true, 

if she should push the matter on, 

what would become of you? 

She gave him one, 

They gave him two, 

He gave us three or more, 

They all returned from him to you 

Though they were mine before,

If I or she should chanced to be involved in this affair,

He trusts to you to set them free 

Exactly as they were, 

My notion was that you had been before she had this fit, 

An obstacle that came between him, ourselves, and it. 

Don't let him know she liked them best 

For this must ever be,

A secret kept from all the rest between yourself and me."

But by then no one was listening to Ariel drown on about the pronoun poem that took her so very long to memorize for they were rummaging through Amery's belongings in attempts to find something useful. Of course, all they found was her Discman, the rug made from her little doggie Tofu passed on from her great Aunt Angelica who had forgotten to feed it for a whole two years, and the Nutcracker Sweet soundtrack along with Mozart and Dana Wilson and Gustav Holst's band music arrangement soundtrack which was thrown into the fire by a very the disgruntled Ariel and Trisana though both Sam and Boromir had pleaded them not to. They also found some clothing, which fit neither Ariel nor Trisana much to their disappointment for Ariel's nice somewhat smelly britches had been ruined. Please, don't ask why they were wearing britches for I do not comprehend their slow witted minds just as much as you don't or at least shouldn't. It is much better that they were wearing britches then knickers though but if you want to read about girls that wear knickers please read Madame Blueberry's piece entitled 'Alka Seltzer is Dangerous'. But that is far off the point of the pants issue. 

Well the pants did fit Sam so Sam wore them for a time until he complained of rashes on his bottom end. It ended up being a bad case of hives and he was not able to wear his pants comfortably for a good two weeks or so. He wanted to go around without any pants at all but Aragorn, Gandalf and everyone else that did not include Frodo had an opposing view against this idea and forbid him to do so.

They also found a lighter, a few cigarettes, some chewing tobacco, a few bits of some powdery substances and that was it besides the mother-load off tampons and pads that they had been deprived of.

"How dare she!" cried Ariel in dismay as she looked upon the treasure.

"_Come and make no denial we must have a trial, said the cunning old Furry and we must have a trial, I'll be judge and I'll be jury I'll trial the whole trial and condemn you to death_," Trisana said under her breath barely audible. She was also a large fan of Alice and Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass and every once in a great while would break out into rhyme.

"Holy guacamole!" cried the others when they had reached into her bag and at last pulled out a crudely bound book with crudely bound pages and it's cover crudely torn and slashed in many places. It was entitled The Fellowship of the Rings. 

"Dude, cool socks," said Ariel as she looked at the toe socks in Boromir's hands. He looked protectively at them as if to say that they were his. They were a stunning hue of pink and rainbows stripes with a cute little puppy on the front. She looked away and when she looked back, Boromir had placed them on his feet and was now looking remarkably like a cross between Brittany Spears and the dancing hippos in tutus on Fantasia.

"You look ridiculous," said Gimli flatly.

"That is only because you are not wearing them my good dwarf," Boromir replied not looking at him. Instead he was gazing at his feet in fascination for he had never worn socks like such, to think of it, he had never worn sock at all. Nor had Sam whose feet stunk far worse than Boromir's so it was quite a nice thought that he put the other pair of socks on. They were little froggies on the front with little crowns saying princess on it. They were also toe-socks and were vertically striped down the sides.

'Sam should also get some fungal cream for those feet,' noted Trisana to herself. So, to conclude the trio, Frodo put on the last pair of toe-socks with cows and moons and stars on it (that glowed in the dark, how cool!) and he looked remarkably like a cross-dressing hippo as well. Anyway, the three Fantasia fanatics were walking around for that leg of the journey in lovely flashy, gaudy, and florescent colored socks that went over their pants.

Well, for the next few hours, the rest of the sane fellowship was forced to listen to why people shouldn't smoke anything even if it is only pipe-weed and that the tar used in cigarettes is only two chemical compounds away from the tar used to pave the roads and how there are 3000 known chemicals in a cigarette and about 45 of them are known to cause cancer. Of course by then the fellowship was not listening and at length even Trisana got frustrated with Ariel fervent attempts to explain why smoking was bad.

"You know, Ariel, people don't really care about how bad smoking is at this point in time. In fact, dyeing of lung cancer right now is much better than falling into a big vat of boiling lava on Mount Doom."

"Well, I still say that name is corny, who names their child Sauron in the first place? And what an unbelievably unimaginative name is Mount Doom? Oh, Tolkien must have been smoking a bit too much of his own weed to have such horrid names!"

"Well, let us switch the subject then to something more suitable. Have you heard that they have made studies that say diet soda under the right temperatures can turn to formaldehyde?"

"No I have not, how very interesting. Do you know how to play chubby bunny?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Amery must have packed some marshmallows too, I do not no how old they are but they are much better than the lembras."

"Oh joy!" cried Trisana, "We shall have a jolly time playing it!"

**********

They had stopped to make a fire and Gandalf risked a little more light while they took a rest. But Trisana and Ariel would not have it so. They were up and about with the marshmallows, as were Legolas, Gimli, Merry, and Pippin. Frodo was busy talking to Gandalf about some unknown creature that he had seen.

"_You see dear boy, one cannot deal out death. Those who deserve it may not get such treatment and those who do may not deserve such. Who are you to give out such punishment? Mercy, my boy_…" but he was stopped by Ariel who was playing chubby bunny.

" Tufffy Funnhy! Tufffy Funnhy!" she cried as she had about fifteen marshmallows in her mouth at that time and was cramming about five more in.

"Tufffy Funnhy, Tufffy Funnhy," and she went on to push some more into her mouth which was getting crouded. Eventually she did choke but that is for the next chapter my dear readers for it is late and I am tired and I must post now before I am forced with a crowbar to get of the computer. 

I do hope you enjoyed this chapter but I warn you, if no one reviews, another one will bite the dust, and so on and so forth to do my bidding and in a very short time there will be no story left to read besides that of J R R Tolkiens' masterpiece. So please review or Trisana, maybe even Gimli or Legolas will come to their fate far too soon. Do review, you would not wish to be responsible for their deaths would you?


	11. nincombpoop and thung shway

Ok, before I go into this I will talk to you for a brief period since it is always fun to talk and waste the precious time away! (cough HAL) Hal is my new little worst enemy so all say hi to him/her when or if you ever see him/her. Anyway, that is not the point, I will be taking a tiny little bit, teeny weeny little bit, not much at all from Monty Pythons so I just wanted to give them credit for the little bit of funniness that they gave me which will be very short indeed, only a tiny teeny little bit so the whole thing isn't on Monty Pythons since that's been done before anyway.. Oh, and I put a little Shakespeare in too. Okey Dokey Artichokey, you people get the point….

"Come ye' hither, no enemy, no conquest save that of thee be present. Yea, hath thou no love, no life beyond a cave? Be it morning sun, thou strive for further darkness, be not in despair! You idle creatures of habit, live but not with desire!"

"Darn it girl!" Trisana cried, "what the hel* you talking about?"

"I don't know," Ariel gasped when she realized she was saying something she didn't understand, even if that happens to be often, "it must be a sign or something."

"You spoke Greek," Trisana said looking at her wistfully.

"Really?"

"Well, it was Greek to me," Trisana said and rolled her eyes, "you've been talking to Mr. Pockets too much have you not?" Still, Trisana realized that there was no possible medication that could treat Ariel's disease. It was contagious and spreading. She could feel it through her, pulsing through her body, beating as if to say 'you are prone to Ariel syndrome! Beware the ides of Ariel!' But that is not the point and once more, someone is getting too far off the beaten path.

"Come ho! We go with speed," said Legolas acting rather perky for such a solid and unemotional elf.

"What did you give him?" asked Ariel.

"Vodka martini, straight up!"

"Light salt?"

"No salt."

"Oh, that explains it."

"Umm, pardon?" said Trisana. Ariel could not explain the humorous effect that she found so funny, partially because there was none.

"Gosh darn it!" said Trisana after a time, she also inserted some curse words in, including 'tutty fruity, nincombpoop, and swashbuckler' not that she knew what a swashbuckler was and did not care.

"This chappie really sucks. Narf! There is no point to this, none at all. I think the writer is really high or sniffing too many markers at work and has started to write a very bad chapter," said Trisana.

"Wow, where'd that come from?" Ariel asked, "no one's writing this story about our lovely lives in the middle of nowhere. No one knows we're here in the first place. Oh, and also, any good writer would not insert the word 'very' into a sentence. Remember what the Duffman, English teacher said? Never use that horrible adverb or he will flunk you?"

"Every time! But that's not the point. We couldn't be in a fanfic or anything if the author inserted the word very. But then again, Duffman was never very sane to start at the beginning!" Trisana said.

"We are all insane!" remarked Ariel happily, "in an insane world with inept people and places and people are always waiting and waiting for the world is always waiting and stuck in silence. We are all nincombpoops! In a nincombpoopish world. Come ho! Thung Shway! Shway Thung! See, had anyone been writing about us they would have spelled Thung Shway right but alas, they did not!" And once more, the writer is getting too VERY far off track mainly because the writer wants to be a naughty little writer and spell things wrong and insert the word _very_ into every place that can afford to use such a horrid adverb behind the English teacher's back.

They came to the tomb where Gimli did his little act but no one wants to hear anything about that act because everyone knows what happens. Ariel had fallen asleep because she had bored herself with her incessant talking about her ideas of life. Gimli, only too grateful, carried her for a time, only dropping her upon her thick skull once or twice but no harm done!

Ariel woke up to the sound of the drums beating far off and she grumbled and told Gimli to shut them up since they were disturbing her beauty sleep.

"But they are coming, my lady! We best hurry now but time is already wasting away, we have neither the time nor the number to withstand them! Block the doors!" 

"Where? To dinner? Not if they drum like that!" Ariel said. She got up to go talk to the drummers since the least they could do was stay on the same beat.

"It seems everyone is marching to the beat of their own drummer now-a-days," she remarked (pardon the pun). But before she could greet the drummers outside to have a long talk about musical talent (which she defiantly had no matter how much one may tease her) the band of orcs and cave trolls and all the evil dudes came in to attack them.

Before she knew it, Ariel was pierced with an arrow even before she could say, "oh look! I've been pierced by an arrow!" And naturally, she died.

But remember, 'death is but the beginning' so no hard feelings people, please go cry to your mommy and not me.


	12. REVIEW THIS CHAPTER ALL THOSE WHO WANT A...

My dear dancingqueen, never underestimate the mind of a crazy inept person such as myself. But I will tell you that where there's a will there's a way. Do not loose hope. I meant to make that chappie a bit longer but I was unable to do so because of the time consumed in it. Here goes the next part and do hold steady, although half the fun in writing is to kill the characters it shouldn't be done in such way you are right without careful planning. 

Ok, and please anyone who is reading this chappie please review. It's great that all my friends are reviewing but when I'm writing it only for them it is kind of annoying, especially because they won't tell me if it's really sucky until I finish the whole stinking piece. If you are out there **_REVIEW_** even if you've reviewed before, I would like to know if I'm only writing it for them or if I'm writing it for at least one more person who has read the last 10 chapters or so. Here goes what I wrote a while ago but haven't typed up yet.

This is one little detail that I was forgetful to put in last chapter:

THEY ALL DIED.

But we will rewind to once again to our lovely Ariel who has just been pierced by an arrow and made into a lovely pincushion. No, pincushion's already been taken and used way too often. She looked like a Christmas tree with a very strange ornament protruding from the trunk. (please don't look too deeply into this, if you can't tell I'm not quite myself today)

"No!" cried Gimli, "don't leave me. You are too strong to do so! Do not give up! It's a mere scratch, you don't need that arm anyway, or that leg!" when another arrow whizzed by and struck her in the calf.

"I am not immortal Gimli and I fear I must leave thee. Do not despair" she said as he looked at her despairingly, "you'll die too eventually."

He knelt down beside her as she took in her last few breaths and gasped. Her body twisted and went limp and her heaving became all the more slower and steadier. Gimli took her hand and held it in his trying to cut out all the noise; the noise of the drums, the attack that had encircled them, and the dying Ariel taking her last few breaths in his arms.

Her eyelids closed and she was still, her hand went limp in his and he bent down and kissed her forehead. It was too much for him, tears streamed down his cheeks. He held her in his arms for a brief period, feeling the cold rush from her body as more life slipped from the girl. His heart had gone with her and now it was forever hidden in the great realm where perhaps they would meet again. He felt empty and the life seemed to drain away from his ruddy features as well while he held Ariel in the embrace. He took ax in hand and stood by her maimed body, still bleeding. Indeed, he was stained with her blood as well. Gimli defended the now deceased Ariel, hewing orcs left and right.

He stood breathing heavily as more orcs advanced and still he stood over her, longing to hear her voice once more, longing for her to wake from this mysterious disappearance while so very near. He wanted to touch her once more, just to make sure that she was still not there but in reality he didn't want to know. He wanted only to wait by her side till she awoke.

He bent down and pressed his lips to hers while arrows did not cease and someone called to him. The voice was distant and foreign but he heard it yet chose to ignore it all the same.

"Come Gimli! We must run before we are all are lost forever in the mines. Come now! Do not tarry in such vial place. Come!"

"I will not do as you command. I am bound by love and with that shall come death as well. Do what you must without me but I will not leave."

With that the orcs encircled them and none could escape. They had missed their chance and now the weight of the foe was crushing into them and beating them. They couldn't breath in the reeking stench. There was no trick, no trap door that they could go through to evade them. They were doomed one and all.

So, people. If no one reviews I'm gonna leave it at that but if you review I'll make a sequel or something. Do tell me what you think and not just numbers, dancingqueen and madame blueberry. Although I love to here from them they are forced to review anyway because they are my friends. I want to here what others think please. Should I make a sequel? Originally I was making this piece to actually get somewhere but since no one knew has reviewed the last few chapters I assume no one but my friends are reading it. 

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Once again, sequel? No sequel? Do review and tell or this will be the end.


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